Since June of 2011 a lot of things have come to light. I've discovered the reason for my depression almost 15 years ago. I've come out of a difficult time with asthma & allergies, during the course of which I discovered I have the dreaded nut allergy (which I now know I've had for many years) and now carry an epi pen. That will give me 15 minutes to get to a health care facility where life saving measures will ensue. I'm relieved even though I do realize the chance of recovery from a serious reaction is not great if I'm hiking or otherwise far from someone who knows and understands both the use of the epi pen and where to find it and the seriousness of it.
I've come to realize that I don't fit in this small community and never will. Among people born and raised with the same experience, commonality and strong bonds resulting from that, I have no place. This is both disappointing and freeing.
In November of 2011 I realized it would be impossible for me to go to Arizona as planned, for the winter because of health issues in my family. My children would be unable to come to my home over the Christmas holidays. Not their fault. Christmas is a tradition I've practiced with gusto. My children's father and I decided to raise them so far from extended family and with his choice of work - banking, transfers came often. That meant there were no long term friendships or support systems we could rely on. It's lonely out there folks, when you are always the new guy. I had the same experience from my 6 month marker on through the years and continued it until just over 10 years ago.
So I vowed not to decorate for Christmas. Not to cook or bake my usual fare, not to participate in gift exchanges or visiting. No family at Christmas for me! I would abstain. How horrible but I was depressed for many reasons, largely as a result of a condition for which I got my diagnosis in June, which although helpful to a small degree (the meds stopped the exaggerated asthma symptoms so no more puffer) did not solve many of the other symptoms. It was only three weeks ago that the pharmacist for the first time put a little sticker on my prescription "do not take with dairy". Quizzing the fellow I discovered that dairy among other things, blocks absorption of my med. I was initially told to take it at the same time every day and with the same food every day. Well, I'm nothing if not consistent when it comes to my breakfast so opted to take it along with my Kashi, milk, yogurt and raspberries, each morning. You can see why initially and for so long my improvement while marked was not stellar. All I could really accomplish was the bare minimum. But I could breathe. I retreated to one of our two guest rooms and hunkered down to craft with friends on the internet.
I have a new neighbour. She moved in last summer and only once have I gone to speak with her to hand over her misdirected mail. She attended a sorority meeting which I also attended and we sat side by side. To my knowledge she attended only one other meeting. Why would I tell you this? Well I'll paint you a picture.
Once married and having given birth to my first child and on maternity leave, I found myself in a new location once again and anticipated a need for support and friendships so I knocked on all the neighbours doors and invited them for coffee at 10:00am the following day. My house was full! I moved from that first location some 28 yrs ago but have by chance, met one of the ladies twice over the years, and she has on both occasions told how they all miss me. I was always the Koolaid mom. Kids came and went from my home freely. I held impromptu art/fun sessions, laying banquet table paper on the kitchen floor for mural paintings and alternately during the long winter months, put a large basin of water on the floor with some toys in it and the children from the neighbourhood had a blast. We went for nature walks toting butterfly nets and examined the slimy contents after dipping into a pond and caught and released butterflies and moths. They filled our sandbox to overflowing with water (all superivised - ever the safety mom) and played a game they called "pooh plop". Yes kids do the darndest things. I have not gone to my neighbours doors and invited them for coffee. I've been here for nearly 5 yrs in this house. Highly uncharacteristic for me. But I have for the past 5 yrs had a support system and did contribute to service projects and fundraisers in a meaningful way. Yet no energy to feed my own passion. Nothing left for me.
Where is all this going you might ask. Well once I understood that dairy was a problem I chose to take my meds at night without food as directed by the current pharmacist. I kept forgetting to take it. I was unwell, so cold all the time I was often on the edge of blubbering, unable to get warm. I thought I needed more food, more energy, and shoveled in all sorts of whatever I could get my hands on. This was all supposed to go away with the meds. So I gained a lot of weight which I have never done before. A few pounds yes but not like this. And I was always able to shed it easily. I had given up. Four hours at the gym every day and no progress. My legs felt like led and I could barely climb a flight of stairs.
So my crafting ran, over the last 10 from quilting, to scrapbook layouts, to card making, to mini book creating, to finally now painting and mixed media. Only since I've started taking my meds one hour before food, has my mood improved. My ability to juggle multiple balls at a time is back and my happy disposition also. It took a few weeks on the new "before you rise" meds routine before I saw any real change but I have to say, and I'll be honest here, I was near suicide on many a day over these last months... thinking the railway bridge might be the best option. I know that when you start planning your own demise it's time to seek help and yet I didn't think I was that far gone. I now know I was. Now that I can look back on it I was. When you feel you are on the edge of despair at every turn. That when the tears and weeping hide just behind your skin, you need to seek help.
There are those with whom I felt a bond in the last several years who have not been able to be here for me and to be frank, I didn't want them to know. There are so many issues, serious ones especially for my children, going on now. These have weighed heavily on me and I was really unable to move forward for a long period of time. I certainly was not able to support the people I had been doing that for in the previous few years. But I'm back now. I am whole, complete and so satisfied with the direction this plunge into the abyss has forced me to go. All the "junk" has faded in importance. Everything I was unable to do, participate in and spearhead has fallen away. I'm not going back there again.
I've had other health issues too, extremely serious ones, and my life seemed just one mucky sinkhole. I'm out of the woods now and so thankful for that. I have come full circle in my life. Back to creating on canvas and with mixed meda to express my design mind, and design I am!
There will be a return to activity in the coming weeks and months but life is now and will continue to be new and fresh every day. I intend to keep it that way.
So for those of you who know me and take the time to read this, now you know where I've been. For those of you who don't, a few of you somehow read between the lines of my previous posts and held me up and encouraged me and I am so grateful for you. I have never met you face to face and yet I know what you are made of. Thank you.
Head above water and treading hard.
Cath
Cathy, I'm very moved by your post and your honesty in writing it. You've been through an awful lot but look at how far you have come. Life will always throw obstacles in front of us and it's how you react to them that define the grand future we hold. If you can stick with it, work through it and face it head on, what will submerge will be a strong willed individual who appreciates the simpler things, that so many take for granted. You will have realised the true meaning of living, to explore every aspect of your psyche, the strong you and the weaker you. It will be the strong you that comes through and you will have learnt new skills to get you through the rest of your life.
ReplyDeleteNiamh you my dear are a rock. Thanks so much for your response. You've said it all. I'm a wise old bird and see that you have a great deal of wisdom under your belt too. Thanks for your support Niamh. I'm ok.. really. Occasionally I let my instinctive "do gooder" out of her cage and dangle her over the world, all exposed and at risk. Ppl take pot shots at her and she recoils but hasn't fallen from irrecoverable heights yet. She's swung wildly out into the abyss occasionally, but she always seem to find her footing. Once safely landed I realize it was me learning something new about my limits. lol So you've recognized this in my post Niamh. You're rock solid, girly girl.
DeleteCath
Cathy, Thank you for sharing your story. You have such an engaging writing style and it was inspiring to know that I am not alone in struggling to get health matters under control.
ReplyDeleteCatherine Childs MorrisonMay 6, 2012 11:01 AM
ReplyDeleteThanks Laurie. There are a lot of things of course, that I have not spoken of in my post. Heaven knows it was not intended to be concerning to others. Know I'm here for you Laurie.
I often find myself, while all introspective, thinking "what am I here for if not to assist others in their struggles". This "thinking" has led me into a lifetime of giving. No sacrificial lamb here Laurie, I just get a huge kick out of accessing what I know and applying that to someone who's situation I can help change in a way that allows them to go forward.
As to your comment about my writing style. Thank you Laurie. "Engaging" is a term I only dream of in relation to it. I am a librarian hun. While working in a library I read, and I mean this literally Laurie, every single book which crossed my desk and in fact the library circulation desk. Driven you might say. Well informed, yes. But most of all in love with the written word and "engaging" writing style.
Mine comes, honestly, from all that exposure. I'll tell you something few know. I could not read until I was about 18. This has served to insulate me from the main stream school systematic removal from children, the natural instinct to express themselves. I was never affected by the "long yardstick of the law" teachers who slapped in their palms in an effort to teach grammar and spelling etc.
I was lucky enough some years ago to meet and study under a prof who understood things I, at that time, had not remotely considered. Children who fail and have to learn outside the normal constraints of the classroom develop their creative side freely and are not limited to the restraints of mainstream schooling.
When I happened by chance, to be with my then first husband at an eye doctor's appointment he ultimately after quizzing me did a simple test. My eyes did not track. Suffice it to say I picked up my first pair of "bug eye" glasses a few weeks later. The Dr. said "now go to the library and take some books out!". OMG! I did just that. The whole world opened up to me. Is it any wonder I wound up in love with good writing? I am a writer. Have been for years. No nothing published Laurie. I've rediscovered my artsy me and the expression of my creative bent is well satisfied now. I do write.. that will not stop. Who knows maybe some day when I'm long gone someone will read my mess of a heap of written muck and find something interesting there. It's satisfying to write. Fills some weird need, one we all share, to make myself understood and in fact to understand the world. That's really it you know.
So no you are not alone. It's pretty normal for most of us to struggle from time to time. That's what makes us stronger.
No willow the wisp here.
Cath